Saturday, November 1, 2008


As the days drag by and the people drift by, i sit here and just think. Not trying to sound like some pussy whining about my situations, but have we been blinded too much by ambition, fame and everything else? 'The game of life people' call it. It's a game where we strive and push ourselves to the limit to reach that goal. We pack ourselves in the mrt and buses like tuna in a tin can to get to work on time. But, is it really worth it? We're all in this rat race for the sake of fame and fortune. To get that dream manager post, to get that car we want, to get that condo we've been eyeing etc. After everything, we're getting it just to show off. Is that really what we want? Where have the days gone when people ENJOYED their jobs instead of forcing themselves to succumb to it. This race is magnified and thought out to be something more important then everything else. Exams mean more then personal connections, people backstab for popularity sake. The change this rat race is very imminent in our lives. I myself have noticed the change in people around me. I've seen how ugly and twisted someone can be behind that angelic facade. All for the sake of popularity, girls. I've noticed a change in myself too. I've become withdrawn, cloistered like a pearl, to avoid the many silent daggers that have pierced my heart before. I've harboured this burning intent to fire someone, to viciously stab them in the back. To tell them that life isn't like what they imagine it to be, that it's fucked up, that nothing is real. But then again, i hold myself back. Why? Because they won't understand where i'm coming from. People have thought of me as the clueless, shy, nervous, somewhat proud person. However, they never notice the withdrawn and observant side. The side which records whatever hypocritical lies people say. The side which conjures up good advice. The side which notices the smallest of details. The side which is observant. The side which is alive. Not many people can brag about being stared at with jaundiced eyes at a place you once thought was 'your' place, where you could be comfortable. My eyes burn and my wrists sting as the safe place starts to contort into an urban new york, where you could be stabbed and left to die in the allyway for all they care. It transforms into a nightmare. Wouldn't it be totally devasting to know that we have no place here for us?
We need a safe place.

I believe it’s safer here. Trust me, its better this way.

Because here, I die alone. And rightfully so.

I am the cause. I am the reason. I am the effect of failure. There is no one left to blame now, but me. There is no excuse or escape this time.

I have become what I have always fought against & what I have never believed in.

My face burns with anger and shame, knowing what I have forsaken. There is absolutely no saving grace: I should have known better. Never have I made a mistake so grave.

This is the only end I deserve. I ignored the signs, and now that I’ve crossed that line, there is no turning back. This massive tide of agony is washing all that I hold dear away.

Make no mistake. Things will never be the same. Not after this fiasco.

This is the beginning of the end. May the downward spiral begin.
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